melting on melting.

>>entry 02 // alive for 22 years

it's my birthday today, november 27th, so i thought it'd be a good time as any to yap here again for a little bit. i've never been much for celebrating the day, primarily because circumstance has never allowed me but also because it's been so long that i both don't really know how to and i'm also somewhat embarrassed to even bring it up? it's a little melancholic but i can't say i'm not used to it either.

in any case, i decided to get myself a gift for once and (after much debating and agonizing over the decision) placed an order for my first 1/8 scale figure ever. the price made me feel very glad that my birthday happened to fall around the black friday timeframe.

it's a weird feeling, both giddy yet oddly guilty for reasons i can't quite articulate. is it the money? no, i had money saved up specifically for these sorts of once-in a-blue-moon treats. is it regret? not that either, if anything i'm more relieved i bought it now since i know i'd still have eventually wanted this figure one day and it being rather discounted at the moment may be as cheap as i'll ever find it. is it insecurity? don't think so— i'm probably a little too narcissitic to think i don't 'deserve' something unnecesary but nice every once in a while even if i rarely buy anything in practice. like i said, it's hard to articulate or identify.

maybe it's not even guilt at all. as i think about it more while writing this out, perhaps that odd feeling is simply a sense of lingering unfamiliarity with the concept of 'celebrating' my birthday in any way? nothing about today was particularly special or different from any other given day, birthday or otherwise, for the past few years... aside from those handful of minutes i sat down and 'gifted' myself something.

that weirdness lingers but maybe it's not necessarily a bad type of weird. perhaps one day i'll get used to these things or perhaps i won't. in the meantime, i hope i make it to yap again about my 23rd. happy birthday.

>> entry 01 // trying something new

hello. i've decided it was about time i tried messing with this again, the whole 'trying-to-make-a-little-blog' thing. i'll probably delete and try again in the future but that's okay with me. for now, this is how it will be, until i decide to change it. this is meant just for my own enjoyment after all.

i don't really use social media, at least as far as the sort of typical ones i suppose most people think of. it just doesn't appeal to me. no elaborate or thoughtful reason for it, i just don't like this weird feeling of 'needing' to post or keep up with everyone else. the mere concept stresses me out too much and my very low energy will always make me feel inadequete in comparison.

however, what i do enjoy is yapping endlessly. not with any particular audience in mind or any specific hopes for a response back necessarily. the very act of trying to organize my thoughts into constructed sentences to gift to the aether is fun to me. i don't think i'm particularly good at it but i enjoy it anyway.

my prior medium for this was primarily just thinking conversations with myself. now, ideally, it will also include this little site as well. even if i delete this all later, that's fine too.